Spring = rebirth of the soul

I am so tired of seeing DEAD things around me.  Winter is long and harsh not just because of the freezing temperatures and forced times indoors with snow days; winter is dreary because of the absence of LIFE!

This past weekend was the first gorgeous weekend in months here in Tennessee and people were out and about and enjoying the taste/tease of Spring.

Just yesterday I was lucky enough (sarcasm intended) to be diagnosed with a severe sinus infection.  I have been coughing and sniffling for days and thought I should finally go to the doctor.  Of course, the sensible thing to do is to continue to take my drugs like a responsible patient and rest and drink plenty of liquids, but this weather was taunting me.

This is how I felt about the idea of staying inside on a pretty day:

Orin Zebest/Crazy Lady

I decided to get up off the couch and enjoy the weather.  I stuffed my Kleenex in my jacket and started to walk the trails and listen to my tunes.  I was sniffling and having to catch my breath several times, but the fresh air was intoxicating and my mind began to wander.  Being out in nature and exercising always heals my body, but I think it does even more to my soul.  It allows me time to THINK and listen to my thoughts.

I began to reminisce about my time in Nashville and how it is coming to a close.  I have only 3 short months of school left at Lancaster Christian Academy and then 5 months until I leave for my next teaching adventure in Ghana, Africa!

I started to take inventory of my time in the States and I kept going back to the nagging question, Why am I so stinking tired?

It has been almost 2 years since I have been in the States and I have never felt more exhausted.  I tried to think of explanations as I thought back to the weariness that exists with living overseas.  Why do I feel BEAT DOWN while living in my very own country?

Still pondering the question, I walked and enjoyed nature and took in the sights of the dead things littering the path.  The weather was warm, but the scenery was dismal.  Leafless trees, brown dirt and soggy grass were on the landscape.  I began to think about my time in Nashville and I came to a tough realization for myself.  

I too have been DEAD for some time.  I have shut myself off from the cold weather, but I have also shut myself off from others.  Over the past several months, there was a switch somewhere that I flipped (knowingly or not) and I decided to stop asking others for help.  I shut myself in my apartment and began to lick my wounds.  

My excuses included:  My job is physically and mentally draining, the demands of the students are too much, I can't relate to my friends or family as well as I used to, I am sad about not being a MOM....still.  

Me, me, me, I, I, I began to be my mantra.  

Teaching at home in the States has been a lot harder than I expected and instead of dealing with those feelings like a mature adult, I became a hermit.  I became more evasive with my communication with my friends.  I told my family that they have their life and I have mine and I would retreat to the comfort of my lonliness.  One of the things about lonliness is that he will never complain.  You can sit down right beside him with your bucket of ice cream or glass of wine and he will listen to you all day long.  

I started to take all the demands of my job, of my life, of my emotions and of my spritual walk and I packed them high on my shoulders.  I was in a frenzy putting out fires.  I would wrestle with one problem only to have another one quickly develop in a different corner.  Instead of relying on others or, heaven forbid, asking for help, I took it all on myself.   

Even for as independent as I think I am, I cannot do life on my own.  God created us to be in fellowship with others and the people in my life have enriched me in so many amazing ways.  I need to stop fooling myself with the lies - You have to have it all together, or YOU have to take care of YOU because nobody else will.

The ironic thing is that God has been whispering to me for months.  He is relentless in His pursuit for us and God has been reminding me that all He desires is to be my Caretaker.  He wants to lavish me with his love and show his glory and power.   

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.....” 

I am not sure that verse really meant much to me until after this weekend.  I have been WEAK.  I have been weak mentally, physically and also in my heart.  I have needed others, but shyed away.  I have wanted to run to God, but let my pride win out and I have been desperate to have God's power shown - even if it is in my weakness.

You see, the thing that has been missing in my life recently that had been prevalent for so many years before was COMMUNITY.  Not to say that it didn't exist.  I worked hard on making sure I established some great friends and positive people to surround me when I first moved here to Tennessee, but then I just began making excuses.  I don't know why or when it happened, but today, as I was experiencing the FRESHNESS of Spring and the hint of life blooming, I realized that I have been withering. 

I am not writing this for pity, on the contrary.  I am writing this because one thing that I have always done is believe in the value of TRANSPARENCY.  I believe that life is too short to be anything less than authentic so I am penning my thoughts for the mere sake of remembering my REBIRTH.

I am ready to come out of my coocoon and proudly admit that I don't have it all together!  I want to stand up tall and say, "I need Jesus to get me through this day."  I am tired of carrying my burdens and the weight of the world.  I am coming out of my WINTER and stepping into SPRING.

As I close my eyes and think of what it is like to utterly rely on God for my every need, I remember a father and son named Rick and Dick Hoyt.  The son was born with cerebral palsy, yet his father always wanted him to experience what everyone else did.  Rick asked to run in 5 mile race to benefit a friend and Dick (his dad) agreed to push him in his wheelchair for the 5 miles.  After the race, Rick said to his dad, "When I am running, it feels like I am not handicapped."

This video shows the special bond of a father and son and what is like to be WEAK, but trust in your FATHER that is carrying you through the race!