Raisins and Giggles - in memory of my brother Jake

It was Labor Day in Indiana and the entire family was at our house...My grandma and grandpa were in the living room talking about the apples that were growing in their front yard, my aunt and uncle were in the dining room talking to my dad about the latest car he was trying to restore, and I was in the kitchen with my mom because I was starving and the mashed potatoes smelled heavenly. My sister and my brother were out riding their bikes trying to get all their restless energy out before lunch - then the phone rang....

I was the closest one to the phone so I answered instinctively as any teenage girl would do. My sister was on the other end in hysterics. "Jake has been hit by a car.." was all she kept repeating. "What?" My mind was racing, "Tara, calm down," was my response and then I saw my mom drop what she was doing in the kitchen and run out of the house - it was as if there was this maternal instinct and my mom KNEW something was wrong.

Today is September 7th, 2010. Twenty - three years ago today my younger brother Jake was killed in a drunk driving accident. I was 14 years old, my younger sister was 11, Troy was 4 months old and Jake was only 9. He was riding his bike with my sister and two other neighbor kids and he was hit and killed instantly. The driver had a blood alchohol level of twice the legal limit. That day is forever etched into my memory and the memory of my family.

Usually on this day I am surrounded by my family and friends. We sometimes will speak of the incident that changed our lives, but even if we don't, we are there for each other. Today, as I am millions of miles away from my family, at a new school, in a new city, I find myself wanting to reflect and wanting to REMEMBER him.

Jake was a vibrant, blonde-haired, blue eyed boy who would smile by placing his tongue on his upper teeth. Jake loved to eat raisins - they were a part of almost every meal that he had. There was a special drawer at my grandma and granpa's house that was designated just for Jake's raisins - for as far back as I can remember - I never saw that drawer empty. Jake also did not have a laugh, Jake only giggled. It wasn't a girlish giggle, it was this sound that came from pure and unadultered happiness.

Jake was this ray of sunshine that only wanted to fish with my dad, cuddle with my mom and play softball or basketball with his older sisters.

Jake loved to go camping and when we were younger we owned a trailer that we would pack up and haul to the nearest campsite. For an entrie weekend we would hike on trails, make smores by the campfire and sleep under the stars in our sleeping bags. Jake loved it so much that there were times that he wanted to go camping, but it was a Tuesday and my mom would explain that we can't go camping in the middle of the week. One time, on a school night, my mom set up our little pup tent in the back yard and Jake, my sister and I packed some cookies, a flashlight and our pillows and relished our little adventure. We had all of the ambiance of camping, but we also knew that mom and dad were inside the house only four feet away. :)

Many times over the past 23 years I have asked God, "WHY?" WHY was his life cut short, WHY was I not able to have more time with him, WHY did it destroy my family as much as it did, WHY him, not me, WHY does it still hurt? Even after all this time, there is no answer. I can question, I can live in the land of "what if.." and I can be angry at God for this tragedy that happened to my family....OR, I can understand that I DON'T have all the answers NOR do I have to have all the answers. I know that God does not give us more than we can handle and even though there were times that I was convinced that I couldn't handle this loss, God knew better.

People grieve in different ways - Most of my family does not talk about Jake and the life that we had with him for those short years, but I am different...

I love to talk about my younger brother, I love to remember funny times or the nights spent camping in the back yard, I love to write about my brother and talk to my friends about the way he was curious or the way he adored my father and mother. My grief is best spent by remembering my brother through words, thoughts and writing - this will never change. So, the next time you are around me during the month of September, please ask about my brother...and then sit with me and grab a cup of coffee because I can talk about him for hours.

Insanity and Community

INSANITY - Webster defines insanity as 1)a deranged state of mind usually occurring as a specific disorder, 2)such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding that prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status or transaction, 3)something utterly foolish or unreasonable. I have to say that I really like number three - simple and to the point - Insanity is foolish and unreasonable behavior!

I have been getting up at 5:30am six days a week to WILLINGLY participate in an exercise program that is called INSANITY. It is a 60 day commitment or ten weeks including Saturday mornings. The gorgeous, buff man that leads the INSANITY videos is Sean T and his six pack makes that stupid loudmouth from Jersey Shore look like a SCHMUCK! Sean T believes in this thing called MAX INTERVAL TRAINING - lots of cardio and strength training for LONG periods of time with 20 second breaks in between workouts - I think MAX INTERVAL TRAINING is a professional way of saying - this workout will HURT LIKE HELL! :) The previous workout videos in my library include the Billy Blanks 15 minute "novice beginner version" of kickboxing, and the YOGA stress relieving video where the instructor is sitting on a beach and peaceful wind chimes are playing in the background! Let me just say that this INSANITY video is a bit different than those! :)

Even though at 5:30am I am cursing and sleep walking wondering WHY I do this to myself, I have to admit that I am becoming insane enough to enjoy this insanity. Believe it or not, I am not alone in my unreasonable journey! There are anywhere from 10 - 15 other staff members that meet me in the gym to sweat and grunt and moan and groan. It really is true that there is camaraderie in suffering. We are pushing ourselves, we are exercising in a pool of our own sweat, but we are doing it together! We barely speak during the workout because we are all struggling to breathe, but we go around and give every single person a TIRED, but meaningful high five when we are finished with the workout. There is accountability with each other (or maybe it is just guilt) when we send an email to our group apologizing for missing a session. We see each other on campus and give the hard core ROCK ON symbol and then say, "See you tomorrow at INSANITY!" We have a community. It might be a community that is a little off their rocker, but it is OUR community. :)

We all have our reasons for doing these INSANITY videos. Most of us are doing it to lose weight and get those amazing abs, but there are other reasons as well. I want to develop a habit of getting up early in the morning. I want to be more disciplined and if I can get up at 5:30am to go and inflict personal pain on myself, then SURELY I can be disciplined enough to memorize that bible verse that I keep putting off or making excuses for. It is said that it takes 21 days to form a habit, well, by the end of my INSANITY tour not only will I look good, I will have formed these habits three times over! :)

You don't have to join INSANITY to have community, but you do have to have SOME FORM of community to be SANE!